If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
