I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
