I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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