I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Randomize
