so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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