K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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