I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
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