During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
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