Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Randomize
