You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
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