I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
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