end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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