It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I have already put on my inside pants.
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