Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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