just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Randomize
