I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
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