My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
