i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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