I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
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