I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
There's even glitter on my cock...
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