i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
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