Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
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Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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