He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
