Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
