I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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