happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
