I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
