yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
