I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
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It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
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I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
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