Potential corruption. He's 19.
Get them while they're young!
Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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