she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
