I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.