I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Randomize
