i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
