Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
