you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
