I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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