who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
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