We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
These Are The 21 Strangest Sexual Fantasy Confessions
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
You Will Never Meet Anyone More Annoying Than These 23 People
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.