Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
These Attractive Criminals Took Sexy Mugshots That Made Them Famous
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
This Girl’s Unbelievable Catfish Story Will Make You Rethink Online Dating
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president