is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Randomize
