I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
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