What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
