i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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