i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
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