this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
Randomize
