It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
