i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
