he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
