so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
