he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
