Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
do herpes really smell.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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