so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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