I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Randomize
