I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Randomize
