Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Randomize
